2010

Happy New Year to my family and friends! On this last day of the first decade of the new millenium, I wish for each and every one of you the best you can be in the decade ahead.

Have a fabulous New Year's Day.

Reno

Sorry about the lack of posts. We are in Reno. Arrived at this ginormous resort on the 21st and spent the first day basically settling in with the Lai's and the Chua's. The Low's arrived later and we all headed into town where all the casinos were for a cheap yet very good Vietnamese dinner at this very warm restaurant called 777. Food was good.

The next day, a hasty breakfast mainly of instant noodles for the kids and some leftover bread for moi and we are off to Mount Rose. It was cold! Signed the two kids up for snowboarding. The Lai's and Chua's preferred skiing. Jackie, the Man and I jaga 3 tables on the upper dining floor where we had access to the power point at the wall. This allowed us to boil water almost constantly for 3-in-1 coffee, ginger tea and instant noodle bowls for lunch when the hungry lot came back from their activities. The Low's with their two little girls came later with Lay Keow. It was crowded. And not just at our corner. The whole ski resort was full of people, majority Chinese. As the Man said, it was like Chinatown.

Mason fell and hurt his left arm but refused any help from the medic we called. Still he went back later to ski with his dad and brother after lunch.

Left Mount Rose about 4 pm and got back to the hotel about an hour later after a very slow drive through near blizzard condition. Memories of the drive down from Big Bear Lake. The slow pace was due to a two wheel saloon without chains but we were content because it pays to be cautious under such conditions. With only a single lane each way, any mishap would mean miles long jams.

The hotel gave us such good deals that we are spending literally very little. The rooms are under $40 a night for twin queen beds and we get coupons for $20 off dinners, free breakfast for two, $20 funquest, $20 bowling, etc, etc. Unbelievabkle deals.

The buffet dinner queue was really long - more than an hour wait in line. So while the men queued, the ladies showered. The spread was really good. We had lots of food, including good crabs, prime ribs,..., and $3 for all you can drink wine and beer. Unbelievable. And it was generally agreed that the beer and wine were good stuff, not el cheapo. So the adults drank and drank and drank and drank. The jokes and the laughter became louder and louder as one after another the revellers got tipsy. It was enornous fun. The Man and Elvin were hilarious between the two of them. Such company as we had not have for a long time. Hokkien, Malay, and Singlish were the favors of the night. While the kids went to FunQuest and their own devices, the parents bonded in the most unruly, bawdy ways. Great night.

The Man collapsed into the bed and slept through - a rarity considering how he usually sleeps.

So ended the first two days in Reno.

Moved

Finally, we are settled in. There are still a lot of boxes in the garage but yep, the house is looking pretty good, the rooms are all tidy, clothes in the closets, shampoo in the baths, cutlery where they should be and tellies all hung up on the walls, internet working, ...

I am too bushed to write too much. So stay tuned. More to come when I have my sanity back.

Home

Tomorrow is house walk through #1. Should go quick. The house pretty much has been inspected through and through by a multitude of inspectors - from the house itself to the roof to the fireplaces and chimneys to the spa to the soil to the termites to the ...

It has been an interesting journey. So unlike Singapore. An array of inspections just a day or so later than the acceptance of your offer by the seller, all done pretty much within the same afternoon - I was just busy signing checks to pay for all of them. Followed naturally by an an array of reports from each inspection company to read on top of legally required ones like natural hazards reports and home owners association whatyamightcallit which is a humongous two inch thick volume, I swear. And then a lot of documents to sign both from the real estate company signed, interestingly, electronically over the internet (I suspect to protect ithe realtor company's rear ends) and then from the escrow company and, of course, the bank. I have no idea what we signed last week at the escrow company. No one could possibly read the hundreds of pages of legalese and forms. Since every buyer of any property must do the same, there is no room for negotiations and you are not expected to ask for time to read the fine prints which I believe is humanly impossible at any rate. Within one hour, we have probably signed ourselves into hock in perpetuity.

Sometimes, in the middle of the night, I break out in fear over my new level of indebtedness. After several years of frenetic thrift. What have I done?!

What price America? A big pay cut, high taxes and huge mortgage payments for the next generation of years? Am I insane? What choices did I have? Either stay or go back to no jobs and traumatic readjustments to school and lifestyle. And loss of college possibilities. Not to mention the fortuity of our timing. I was really really fortunate to start when we did - to have sponsorhip for staying before the company froze all sponsorships and considering the belt tightening my business unit is going through right now.

As I look out at the beautiful hills of the Tri-Valley turning green from the recent rains, the wide open expanse, the miles on miles of endless highways, the no fear no holds barred debates over policies on the telly, feel the chills of Fall and the early hints of winter, watch with wonder the high winds shaking the yellowing leaves off the trees where we live leaving piles of leaves (no play on words intended) by the roadside and look at my kids doing what they do in their schools, it was a price I would probably willingly pay again, if I had to.

I thank the heavens we were given the chance to blaze a new path where others were not.

Blog

Family and friends, it is with great sadness that I have to block my blog and allow only people I love and trust to access it. So please pardon me for the inconvenience of having to force all of you to login to read my journal, something I keep alive to keep my far flung family and friends abreast of our lives in America.

It has been a very busy two weeks. Hence the paucity of updates. We are almost all done with our house purchase, having now signed away the remainder of my life to yet another heavy yoke of high monthly mortgage payments on top of college tuitions and daily expenses. Just when I was almost all done with such. There remains only the house walk throughs - twice in the coming week - and then we get the keys.

On the bright side, the house is so well done up, we can just move in even without cleaning.

GTG - more to come in a bit...

Bulbous

I have a swollen left middle finger tip and it hurts plenty. Don't know why, don't know how. It is starting to look like ET's finger except it does not yet glow. The swelling has completed smoothen out the skin around the nail and the finger print has all but disappeared from the skin being stretched so tight. But the constant pain is just annoying and typing shoots bouts of pain up my hand. When I squeezed the first joint just below the swelling, I can see a spot next to the nail which turns pale and extremely tender. Looks like some infection or something but there is no perceptible wound, not even a pin prick. Maybe I accidentally pull out a piece of skin. Slowly, however, the swelling is turning purple. What is going on here? Ow!

Wherefore

Another week, another story. Here I am, about to close on a home and watching the end of the world on December 21, 2012 on Discovery Channel does not help give you the warm fuzzy feeling that you have made the right decision. The end of the world or mass destruction in about 3 years just make the kind of stress and effort we made towards our own little piece of America so trivial, so "what-for?"

So yeah, we are about to settle down properly but it has been a real eye-opener how things are done here. The amount of paperwork is unbelievable. Can't wait for it all to end. And still there is no warm and fuzzy feeling, no excitement, no anticipation of coming into our own. At this stage of my life, it simply frightens me. Am I sure about once more, putting that heavy yoke once more around my puny shoulders. I won't live to pay it all off. But there is no way out. Either build some equity or just work for your landlord. Maybe it does not have to last that long. Just the last one to go and I can lay down the mantle. And rest. Or expire.

Enjoyable

Two weeks passed so fast. Search goes on and it's getting tiresome. The new homes look so good. But small yard. But then, how much of the yard have we really used? Not even in summer. Yeah, we can excuse ourselves - it's not our house, does not feel the same, blah blah blah. Seriously, in the one year we've had this big yard, I think I can count the number of times I step out to the deck on one, okay most definitely two hands. That's how much I have used the yard. The Boy barely steps out except to take out the thrash every Wednesday night. House on big lot sounds good, especially to Asians where the need to have title to a piece of earth has always been in the DNA. Still, a new house looks so nice. Please please may I? The offers and counter offers and the termite inspections, house inspections, et nauseum, are a source of stress I can do without. And the price is not out of our reach yet. Please? 5,000 sq ft is good enough for me.

Enough of woes.

Last Saturday, the Man and I went to our very first ever football game. A friend gaves us two tickets, including car parking. And we cheered loudly each time CAL scored a touchdown. Results? CAL thrashed Washington State 49 to 17. Go Bears! It was a most pleasant way to pass a Saturday. Beautiful weather too. Couldn't ask for more. Especially with the Man who would never ever go to a game. Except this time round no one else would go with me and we have the tickets. Happily, he enjoyed the game as much as I did, I think.

And the evening before, we joined 10 sets of retired couples, all members of the SIR, to dinner somewhere in Livermore. Don't ask me where. We went in Jim' Quon's car with his wife, Joyce, and Gerald with the earring and his wife, Anne. Squeezed between the Man and Gerald with the earring, I was just focused on the conversation going on in the front row and did not pay attention to the journey. The six of us in Jim's family car. Never known a saloon to be a six-seater but there you have it. You learn something new everyday. Before we were allowed to eat, everyone had to introduce himself/herself and only I got an applause - as someone from Singapore growing roots in the US of A. Going out on these SIR events are fun - I get to be the youngest! Everyone of them is decades older. Maybe we should join them more often. The food that night - chicken and sausage paella - was not great and a tad pricey for the quality and quantity but having the fewest wrinkles and least gray hairs and the company of seniors is GOOD for my spirit :).

Plentiful Paperwork

Getting a home here is a genuine pain the rear end. All that crap about home prices being a steal because of the bust... Maybe it is just the East Bay but the hassles and agents who don't seem to want to look for bargains for you just make the whole experience more painful than it should be. And the stupid bidding wars. People flipping houses or playing the field - this month, it is on the market, then it disappears and suddenly a month later it is back often at a different price. It is all just so complicated. It was so much easier in the little island.

In the past two to three weeks, I have had more cell phone calls from that one realtor than from everyone else in the entire three years I have been here. And it is so hard to hear when she is on bluetooth and driving around. Plus that lisp. Urgh! And the grounchiness that just stresses me no end.

Silently I call for help and the inner strength to stay sane. To stay calm in the swirl of words and not get drawn into the maelstrom coming from a verbose word swallowing high pressure agent and from another. All the while dealing with the mountain of paperwork from the change of employment status, trying to understand the legalese and carefully crafted lawyer word-smithed passages designed to ensure an entirely neutral stance that will never win you a court case. Why can't people talk and write in layman English? Tell it as it is?

Why can't I afford a new house with all the modern trimmings and fault free structures with a nice warranty and adequate land without having to change my son's school and pay astronomical property taxes? Instead of bidding ridiculously for old homes and combing through volumes of inspection reports that strikes fear into your core because of the reported dreadful sounding faults in your dream home?

Ah America.

Settling Soon

Here I am, sitting in the small dining nook next to the kitchen, hands icy cold, working on a document for a meeting tomorrow and going through a lot of forms from the lawyers. Seems straightforward enough but some corrections may be needed. Sigh. When I awoke, the house was at 63 F, after an entire morning, it has risen by a total of 1 degree F.

This is a cold house. I think the insulation is not as good as it should be. Strange that not that long ago, it was triple digit temperature. Yesterday was very beautiful outside. Just the perfect California weather but today is overcast and noticeably cooler. Leaves are already turnoing red just outside the kitchen window and soon they will start falling.

The year is coming to a close and when I look back, it seems like I have not accomplish much at all. Where did the months go? We did go to Jamaica. And Carynn was here with Brad. I brought them to Yosemite. Nic got her own apartment in Berkeley. She joined some sorority. And we all grew older. But these are not milestones. They simply marked the events in the normal passing of time. What have I done to better the world, even by an iota? What contributions have I made to mankind, my hearth or my workplace? What can I report to the heavens should I suddenly expire? I did not even take part in the company annual community help event this year because...

Next year promises a new beginning, a new era in our family history. The sprouting and reaching out of new tentative roots into a new bedrock of hope. A new bigger future for the offsprings with opportunities that the little place we originated may not be able to provide just because. My fingers are crossed that all go as planned. Until then, we are limited in our ability to physically reconnect with the homeland. But it will be worth the wait.

Meanwhile, the hunt for a new abode goes on.

Hot

Past the third anniversary of our arrival, I am feeling tired of living in rented homes. It just does not feel the same. Boxes upon boxes sit silently in the garage gathering dust, un-opened for over three years. I don't even know what they hold anymore. Sometimes, I suddenly recall something I used a lot back in Singapore but have not seen for a long time and there is sadness. Like a family without anchors. I want to have my own place where my things are where they ought to be and where I don't feel like I am keeping someone else's home and not my own.

And I want my children near.

The heat wave this week has not helped. Triple digit temperatures that makes the house too toasty, like an oven.

We sweltered and burned in the bleachers yesterday at the AT&T Park watching the SF Giants lose miserably to the Chicago Cubs. The sun beat down mercilessly. The boy was the first to seek relief standing in the shade, then the girl and finally, I surrendered and abandoned our seats to stand behind the lines of people walking back and forth getting their drinks and food. We made our ways to another part of the stadium but had to suffer the constant onslaught of smell of frying onions and security guards keeping us in check,

Standing was tiring so eventually, when the sun had lessened its intensity, we made our ways back to the bleachers to a crowd of young men and women drinking a lot of beer and carpeting the steps with peanut shells from a big bag they brought to the game. Meanwhile, the group of UBC grads (East Bay alumni) that I was supposed to socialize with at the game and which I had basically ignored all afternoon because of the unbearable heat, decided to call it a day and left en masse. And I watched them leave silently vowing never to trust the alumni with getting me any more tickets to any game. I could have gotten better seats from the company or cheaper bleacher seats than what I paid to support the alumni. Or maybe I was just unsociable. They were all so young and all Chinese.

After the game, we made our way back to the ferry terminal and took the ferry ride back to Alameda where we embarked, to return to Berkeley and East Bay. To a house still warm from the day's bake.

Disunity

On arriving home, suddenly there is a gaping hole in my heart left by one who flew from us just hours ago. My eyes start to tear and the sadness is unbearable. I must reunite my family forever. She who came to celebrate her quarter century with us. Whence will we come together again?

Deliriumcious

Wah, this week has been busy. So it seems but if you ask me to recount the things I accomplished, I will be hard put to enumerate them even on one hand. It just seems time flew by with more than the usual speed. I have also been having an unusual sleep pattern. Maybe it is a second childhood but it seems these days, I am greedy for sleep. If I can, I will jealousy guard my time in bed, dozing on and off through the night into the late hours of the morning, something I had not allowed myself to do for many years. It was a surprise to me that when I finally pulled myself out of bed yesterday, it was well past the 9th hour of the morning, almost into the 10th. And we were supposed to take a long drive to Half Moon Bay down Highway 1 to Santa Cruz, the girl, the bf and I. Given that they were even later sleepers than I, by the time we set out, it was about the 11th hour.

Yet last night, I could not sleep a wink till almost the 4th hour. Must have been the coffee at 4 pm on the Boardwalk at Santa Cruz. I still have not completely gotten away from the inability to sleep if caffeine is pumped into the system past the noon hour. So I lay in bed and calmly read my Kindle, enjoying the Fool's Errand. And listened to the extremely rare sound of thunder actually rolling through the hills of Tri-Valley in the early hours of the morning. This was the first time since we came, that we actually heard thunder in the Bay Area. It was delicious, bringing the recall of the glorious drum rolls of thunder after lightning after thunder after lightning ad infinitum on the little island called Singapore where thunder and lightning are as commonplace as afternoon showers.

It all fell into place. The dense fog along Highway 1 almost shutting off all views of the crashing waves against the cliffs and beaches as we cruised down to Santa Cruz, the thick blanket of cloud sitting on the ocean further south just waiting for the wind to push it onland and the weather forecast on last night's news about the risks of lightning and thunder on tinder dry foliage. But while it lasted, the thunder sounded like an old friend come a calling and I relished the moments lying sleepless in bed. Ahh...

And so today, we have dinner with Tom and Gill and their wives. But what shall we do before then? Housework calls - but I am on strike this week.

Changes

Methinks blogging seems to be going out of fashion. Twittering and facebooking are adding to the onslaught of "instant gratification" and two-way, nay, multi-threaded socialization. Blogging is one-dimensional, journal keeping too isolated an act in a world where people seem compelled to be constantly in touch with one another. At what price? Where blogging once threaten the art of keeping a diary the old fashioned way, will the constant barrage of bits and bytes from smarter and smarter devices that keep getting smaller and smaller threaten the art of conversation? People chat but not face to face, hiding behind a light emitting screen and little buttons. People socialize but without the commitment that comes with looking into another's eyes. I love technology and the changes wrought by technology, for the betterment of the majority but I also mourn the passing of some of the old ways.

But I did not start out bemoaning the superficiality of the new modes of social computing. Rather, it was to celebrate the advances I have made in the last week, from hobbling around on crutches and losing sleep to long bouts of pain to hobbling around on my own feet and watching the foot return to some semblance of its normal size. Yes, my right foot is still bigger in some parts than normal and much of it is still purple and green, especially on all the toes and at the base of the ankle. But the pain is less and more intermittent. The progress though, has been less than I would have liked. It is only five days to Carynn's arrival and six days to white water rafting near Modesto.

Nic is gone to her apartment, school has begun for both the kids still with us. High school is going to be a very different experience I think for the half man and I hope he stays the course he was on in his last year at Iron Horse. Not lose the momentum, nor lose the drive he gained staying at the top. And the girl too. Staying by herself would be a new experience and requires a level of maturity to keep herself safe, well fed, clean and healthy, all by herself. While keeping her grades up. Life's changes can be frightening for the parents.

Meantime, we have our approvals for the visa extension. Next stop, the permanent residency. Beyond, the re-union of the family. Hopefully.

Snap

Two fairly loud snaps and I knew instinctively I was in trouble. Instantly, I found I could not stand on my right leg and within seconds, an ugly swelling started to become very noticeable. The horrific pain that consumed me that night and next morning after we reached home from Rohnert Park was excruciating. Initially, it did not hurt quite as much and I could still hobble around. But after we reached home and I did my usual routine to get ready for bed, the hobbling triggered off an hour or more of pain you would not expect from just a sprain.

Monday morning, just hobbling to the wash basin to brush my teeth set off more than 2 hours of agony waiting for the Man to come home so he could get me to the doctor. The Half Man, albeit some cajoling was needed, was very sweet after, making the initial doctor appointment and thereafter changing it twice because of uncertainty about the Man's return from his tennis game. By then, the pain was so excruciating, I could not even bear to lay my foot down on the floor and the Man had to carry me on his back into the clinic.

Doc thought I could have broken some bones so off to take almost 10 x-rays. But first an ankle hold to stabilize and a pair of crutches so I can move around. But the crutches took some getting used to and they hurt the armpits.

Back home, the kids have been wonderful with making ice packs for me to ice the swollen ankle. So today, the ankle actually looks like it is recovering somewhat. But it is all green, very fat and there are ugly broad purplish swaths on both sides where you can tell the blood vessels had obviously been broken and were leaking blood into the leg.

Waiting for doc's call to see if I need to go back to the clinic for follow up.

And this is Ryan with his Chinese classmates on the final day of school sent by his teacher.

Active

It's been a busy weekend. Substituted my Friday off next week so Nic and I could go to Nik's house to masak masak (with Lay Keow as well) making curry puffs and the pink peach shaped rice cakes that Carynn used to love so much as a kid. We had a lot of fun. The first batch of dough for both items were disasters, too dry and just impossible to shape. So Nik left us in the backyard under her canopy and banned us from the kitchen while she made a second batch of both. With those, we were able to turn out very decent looking puffs and rice cakes. The Man and a Half joined us late because of some tennis event they had to attend, We had the usual banter sessions and sinful amounts of food and left as usual close to the witching hour. But so enjoyable.

Next day, we were off to the Stead tennis open at Moraga. Tom and Thilma were there but we did not stay as long as I would have liked because of a certain complaining young man. It was my first real tennis tournament and the quality of play, though not like the grand slams were very high. The competitors were mainly from the college circuits so they were highly competitive. I hope we go to more tournaments.

And today, Sunday, we were off to Union City near James Logan High School for the tennis competition organized by the association that runs the Half Man's Chinese classes. You can tell the calibre was just not the same as yesterday's. The Man had two plays. The Half Man was competing for the first time, if we discount the other time when he played in San Ramon with a bunch of young kids. Butterflies notwithstanding, he did okay. It;s not about the winning at this point, just the exposure and having the experience and the fun of competing. The weather was merciless though. Temperatures were in the 90's and there was no real place to sit where we could get shade so we ended up, like most other parents crouching in the walkways between the courts where fortunately, the tennis courts' wind screens afforded good enough shade and there was actually a good breeze blowing through. But we were starting to get real lethargic from the heat. So after the competition, we drove a half mile to the nearest shopping square and had us some icy shaves and pau pau cha. And on reaching home, I just had to catch a short snooze even though it was close to 5:00 pm and at the risk of disrupting my normal sleep tonight.

Busy weekend, but so much fun. Tomorrow is going to be hot with parts of East Bay going into the triple digit temperatures but you can tell the long days of summer are already waning because the lights have to come on slightly earlier each night.

Hike

My thighs are sore. But I love it. Because they are complaining from the maybe 6 mile trek this morning on a trail in Half Moon Bay with a group from Sons in Retirement. For the first time in a long long time, I was the youngest person in a gathering. How cool is that? We went up the Purusima Trail and most of it was uphill. So though I have been diligently walking every weekend, the hike was tiring. I can't imagine what the rest of the team felt, especially those in their late '70s. Funny thing is only the last 1.9 miles were downhill and parts were a little treacherous because of the loose screes and you can easily slip. Especially with normal walking shoes instead of proper hiking boots. So you take baby steps and you dig your toes or heels in to get more grip.

But it was a beautiful trail, most of it very shady and cool, with the Purisima Creek gargling gently close by for most of the way. The secondary redwood trees were slim unlike those in Muir Woods or the Avenue of the Giants. At one stretch, I was walking next to Tom and he told me the original redwoods were all cut down, brought up to some peak and then floated down some river or other to Redwood City for lumber. And that was how that town got its name. Sunlight speckled the trails here and there and it was just very peaceful. Surprisingly, there were hardly any animals or birds. But lots of poison ivy or poison oak. Luckily they were not too close to the trail although there was one plant that actually grew out and hung partway over the trail. Like it was reaching out to us.

Only when we were more than half way through did we see a family of quails where the trail branches, I think with one going to Harkins Ridge which would be more uphill trekking. But we were going the other way. downhill, back to where we had parked the cars. And somewhere we ran into the mostly eaten carcase of a small deer. Only bits of skin, the tail and the rib cage were left.

We were the only non-Americans in the group but they were all very warm and welcoming. The stories they shared as we walked were of the old days, and I mean old. Where they went to school in the '50s and what they did in the '60s in their youths. Of restaurants and hamburger joints in San Francisco that have long gone. Most of them were long time or native Californians. We were young then in every sense of the word. But there was one Daphne who gave me a hug when we were still at the starting point because she went to UBC too even though she left after two years in 1959 to USC to study physical therapy. We were immediately bonded by that tenous thread.

It was interesting how Americans open up - pretty soon I was hearing about their families, the kids they had, the illnesses and deaths of spouses, times shared with grandkids... I don't think Asians air stories about their families in quite the same way. I was a stranger to them but pretty soon, I knew much more about Debbie's history than I would have cared to at the start of the trek. They like to hear about your children and will ask.

After the hike, a well deserved lunch at San Benito sandwich place along Main Street in Half Moon Bay. Good sandwiches on fresh bread baked daily by the small deli. Healthy and tasty.

On the way back in Tom's Lexus, I dozed off a little. That was how tired I was. I like Tom - he is very funny and seem to have taken a liking to the Man. While the man brought the half man for his tennis lesson, I took a nap, too tired to even bathe. That had to come later. Even the horrific mess in the bedrooms of the girl and boy could not keep me from laying down my weary body.

223rd

BBQ yesterday was very memorable. Tom and Thilma were great hosts and the company was thoroughly enjoyable. There were lots of laughter and Tom was a really good cook. Thilma's saffron rice too - the half man politely asked for and actually had a second large helping of the rice. He was well behaved - quiet and did not whine at all. But he still has not picked up the EQ skills of American kids, able to hold a conversation with adults. People have to tease replies out of him and you can see the Americans feeling a little awkward waiting for his replies, not quite sure whether to wait or to move on to another topic.

We split up about 8:30 pm because some wanted to go watch the fireworks. The half man and I trod on down to Central Park where we joined his classmate and her family. The fireworks are not all that incredible but the Park was filled with thousands of people - you wouldn't think San Ramon had that large a population. So ends our celebration of the 223rd birthday of the US of A.

Celebrations

Happy Independence Day, America! And the Man has brought out the American flag from the garage and hung it by the main door. Trifle small but hey, it works.

We'll be off to a bbq this evening and making some new friends (well, the half man and I will be at least). Hope we don't miss the fireworks.

Yeah Mon

Independence Day is here again. Seems not so long ago, we were sitting in Central Park shivering in the cold waiting for the fireworks, running now and then to listen to the live entertainment and buy some food.

This year, perhaps a reflection of the economic conditions, there will be no live music and no food sales. Families are encouraged to bring their picnic goodies - which many do every year in any case. But we won't be there this year. One of the Man's friends from his retired sons club has invited us to a bbq at his home. It should be interesting. Never been invited to an American home before...

I never finished the Jamaican story. The last full day of our visit. We set off for Negril, to see it in the daytime. On the way, we stopped at one of those crowded local markets - some crazy ideas about getting some local foods or something like that or maybe to take in the local scene. The markets are not much different from the wet markets in Singapore, only dirtier and more crowded. There are inspectors apparently - the reason why we were able to get away relatively unharmed and with some dignity at the end. Anyway, entering the market, the first few stalls were selling fish. Normally, the fish stalls are quite appalling. Mostly, the vendors have just buckets or baskets of fish with no ice, strewn about and flies buzzing all over them. The scenes were always the same in all the local markets we have driven by. But the Man started talking to the vendor and before you can say Yeah Mon, the guy was asking if we wanted lobsters and had brought out a bucket with some large lobsters in it. The lobsters were all still alive and didn't look so bad. I was alarmed - surely we are not actually going to buy live lobsters? How are we going to cook them? Plus I did not like the looks of the fella and our presence had attracted the attention of a bunch of other vendors nearby. Soon all the men were engaged in the act of selling us the lobsters. To my utter amazement, the price was negotiated for 4, yes 4 lobsters, including cooking, and soon we were traipsing back and forth following the vendor and his friend to the side of the market that sold dry goods. They led us to a back lane and wanted us to follow them into a kitchen where they were going to cook the lobsters for us. The situation was getting a little out of control - we surely had no intention of going into someone's home where we could be in a very awkward position, unable to retract and and and...

So we stayed in the market, declining to go further. Then the taller of the two wanted us to pay for cooking the lobsters. That was when the Man decided to pull out of the deal. We were being held to ransom and the situation was getting uncomfortable. There was a lot of talking back and forth with the vendor's friends who had been cajoling us to buy the lobsters, now jeering at us for expecting them to cook for free. Finally, the Man was able to extracate us by just paying for the uncooked lobsters and we all walked out of the market with the Man carrying four lobsters in a paper carton. What a relief to get out of the market! The lobsters went into the boot where I was sure they were going to be baked alive by the searing tropical heat.

Not too far out of the town, we spotted one of those roadside stalls that sell jerks. To cut a long story short, the guy who ran the stall agreed to cook the lobsters for us. What started out as a scary experience now turned into a most pleasant one. By a stroke of luck, we had stopped at the booth of a former restaurant cook who not only (with the help of a relative), cleaned out the lobsters very thoroughly but did a fabulous job of barbequeing the lobsters with garlic. He was very pleasant to chat with, and told me we paid a very good price for the lobsters and that they were very fresh. While waiting, we sat at the porch of his little house and chatted with a school boy of Ryan's age who came by and started a conversation. He was meeting a classmate (who came in a bicycle and stayed as well) so they could go to the library to study for their exams next week. The conversations lasted for the whole time we were waiting for the lobsters to be cleaned and cooked. And it was funny to see the three 14-year olds trying to converse in Spanish and testing each other's command of the language on Doris' suggestion.

So we ended up feasting on the lobsters outdoor standing by the stall, washing the food down with drinks bought from our very polite cook. He was happy with our custom and we were delighted with the whole experience. But not before the school boy returned with his friend and cajoled Doris into buying them both a soda each.

So off to Negril where we didn't do anything except bought some sort of buns and fast food chicken nuggets and had coffee in a roadside cafe when it started raining. Chatted some with a very talkative fella at the cafe and then drove back to Montego Bay. On the way back, we stopped at our cook's rodaside stall and bought chicken jerks and a tin foiled wrapped fish to bring back for dinner. He was very happy to see us and of course, with our added custom. As we left, it was obvious he too felt the day had been a good one for him. There was a kind of kindred spirit between us.

And back at the hotel later, as we tore into our simple dinner, the chicken jerk and fish were, needless to say, excellent. So ended our last full day on the sunny island of Jamaica.

Holiday

Took lots of planning and then it is all over. They say time flies when you are having fun. Well, I have discovered as you get older, time flies, no matter what.

So we packed off for a one week vacation on an insane itinerary that took us all the way north-east to Toronto just so we could then fly all the way south to Jamaica. You would have thought going in a straight line eastward as the bird flies would have made more sense but who can figure out the ways of airline logistics and connecting flight schedules.

Trouble was too that our flight out of SFO was changed to an earlier one so instead of a red-eye which would have nicely fitted in with the next one to Montego Bay, we left in the afternoon causing me to miss a webminar that I was very keen to attend. Then we ended up, all four of us, camping out at the Pearson Airport, uncomfortably huddled and curled up on make shift chair-beds waiting for morning to come so we could check into our next leg. Meanwhile because Air Canada no longer provides free meals, we were held to ransom by a couple of vendors who knew they had us good and sold us some sandwiches at outrageous exchange rates. What to do? Beggars cannot be choosers and we were not well prepared for the overnight layover. It was one cramped night.

The funny thing about the 5-day stay in Jamaica - we never stepped foot on a beach, not even the one at the hotel resort. The resort itself was pretty nice - it'd better be considering how outrageous the rates were at more than twice what you would pay for a decent family hotel here in the States. It is so ironic that we went to a beach resort full of activities and facilities for the entire family and we spent almost all our daylight hours in the car driving to distant towns, winding our ways through highways trying hard to avoid the speeding local cars and winding through somewhat intimidating, extremely crowded narrow streets in the local markets. Jamaica is much larger than Singapore at over 4,000 sq miles and driving from town to town is time consuming.

The first day, Tuesday, was easy going after the uncomfortable night. We landed around noon, had some very cheap and nice whole fish lunch at the outside airport restaurant while waiting to get our rented car. Took us a while to find our hotel (it was further from the airport than we had envisioned) but it was pretty good. Nice resort hotel with lots of families there. But expensive. The room was very decent and given the hotel was recently renovated, we had no complaints. After a rest, for dinner, we went to Pork Pit which we saw on the tourist map and had our first experience with Jamaican's famous chicken and pork jerk. Yummy! We could have done without the houseflies but nevertheless, yummy! We passed through Doctor's Cave which I had researched on the internet when trying to book a hotel and seeing it real life is so different from reading about it. I was put off by the reviews of the hotels there on Doctor's Cave even though they are much cheaper than on Montego Bay and seeing what the place was like, I am glad I did not put us all there. It is just a narrow strip full of tourist shops selling the same things and restaurants that we did not think were value for money.

On the second day, as we were driving to a waterfall which we eventually decided we were too cheap to pay US$15 a person to see, we were trapped by a couple of policemen with a speed gun and yes, we had to pay our "dues". They caught me trying to take a picture and waved the index finger at me in a "no no" gesture. But little did they know I had already had one shot as a souvenir of the local practice. It was surprising they even knew it was an Avis rental even before the Man got out to talk to them. Ha!

Somewhat disheartened, we went looking for food and ended up at Ultimate Jerk, a pretty nice very clean restaurant with a beautiful thatched roof and no walls, not too far from the speed trap, and had very good Jamaican chicken jerk, goat curry and rice with red beans. Washed down with very good ginger beer. Totally changed our moods. Then went onto Ochio Rio where we ended up spending a few hours in a large flea market, bargaining for trinkets, a straw hat for moi, Jamaican coffee and Doris happily got a nice painting for just US$15. Luckily, the place had lots of shade under almond trees so it was very bearable.

Jamaica is just like Singapore, hot muggy and oppressively sticky. Although the weather forecasts on my iTouch had said rain everyday, it only rained a couple of days we were there. Just like Singapore - the rains do not last and they do cool down the temperatures when they come.

It was funny but we ended up driving insanely far from our hotel to go back to Ultimate Jerk the next evening for dinner when Pork Pit (the half man's choice which was vetoed) was so much nearer. The folks there recognized us and were amused when they found out we had come all the way from Montego Bay just for their jerk. The drive there was close to 50 km, one way. And I drove and everyone had fun with my driving, especially when we neared the hotel.

The only blot on the whole holiday was that the half man was not so well the first few days. Congested nose, slightly raised temperature from before the trip when he was running a fever the whole day and I had to sponge him with ice water and pieces of ice wrapped in a towel. Still, he was sporty and took the whole trip in stride, sitting through the long car rides to get from one place to another. He did recover after we got some meds from a local pharmacy and even went for dips in the hotel swimming pools with his aunt on two consecutive evenings.

We did not do much on the third day. After driving to Doctor's Cave for some lunch and to look for an art gallery that the artist Doris bought the painting had told her about, we went back and played some tennis under the scorching heat. The rain soon put an end to our game but it mercifully cooled down the place. We ended up at the pool that evening with the aunt and nephew taking a swim and I ended up sitting on the ground next to a low footpath light trying to read Kite Runner on my precious Kindle 2. There was a band playing the usual reggae type songs, at the large open area just next to the pool where we were, to a very appreciative hotel crowd so it was pretty enjoyable overall.

On Friday, we wanted to see Kingston despite the Man's foreboding because of all the stuff he had read about the place on the internet. We left relatively early and ended up driving through lots of small towns, getting lost in a town called Claremont and backtracking over an extremely narrow road up a rather steep hill. After getting out of Calremont, on the way to Spanish Town, we passed through a very enchanting tree covered road through a mountainous region where we saw some interesting road side stalls hawking the usual wood crafts but there were many with more exaggerated anatomical depictions of manhood which we found amusing. The views on that mountainous stretch were the best we had in Jamaica. Spanish Town was a disappointment. Nothing there except lots of light industries, to tempt us to stop and take a look around, even for a bit. But we had to pass through it to get to nearby Kingston.

Our experience of Kingston was not typical - we did not really see the city. We drove for a long time and ended up somehow in a local market just after mid-day that was the most crowded, dirty and scary one of all. Round and round we went slowly trying to avoid the masses of people and other traffic and passed through a street that reminded me of Sago Lane - it was full of funeral parlors and you can see coffins stacked up in the shops. We did not feel like stopping anywhere after that crazy half hour trying to get out of the market. Even then, after leaving the market, at one point, we lost our way and was lucky enough to ask directions from a Caucasian man who definitely looked like he had lived there a long time who led us back to the highway. And he drove just like a local too - crazy speed down narrow roads.

We got onto a new highway that was such a joy to drive compared to the narrow crowded local roads full of impatient drivers who overtake like madmen and honk in the first microsecond the red light turns green. Like it was a contest to see who spots the change of traffic lights first.

As we rounded the west end of the island, we passed through Negril which is another popular resort town. In the night, with all the hotels lighted up, it looked very inviting and we were determined to come back the next day for a look around.

So that day, we hardly got out of the car but got to drive literally around the entire island, ending back at the hotel at night. I think that whole day, we stepped out of the car only a few times, mostly to eat and get gas. But I think somewhere near Savanna-La-Mar, we drove through a stretch of road that was also very inviting just like the road through the mountains earlier that day. This one was at sea level but on both sides were bamboos that arched over the road like a tunnel. The bamboos were beautiful and the whole effect was just charming.

It was late when we got back. And the poor Man was exhausted from driving all day through the very challenging terrains. So while the three of us went down to the pool (actually two of them to the pool while I worked on the threadmill covering over 3 miles), he laid his head down and we found him snoring when we got back.

The next day was a much different story. So more to come...

Worry

It has been a day of very confused and mixed feelings. Overall, so far, not a good day. Laundry done, and the bad news start rolling in. The half man is feverish, complaining of being cold on a warm day and a phone call from Singapore tells me the girl had a seizure and is lying in hospital. Test results seem positive - maybe just a one off affair unlikely to be a precusor of long term condition fortunately. Still, it is worrisome and I am so apologetic too for the fright it must have given everyone there. Get well soon and don't stress out so much. Constant self imposed stress, chronic lack of sleep and hours in front of the laptop can bring on serious medical problems.

And the half man did not know how to take care of himself. Instead of cooling off, he was all wrapped up in layers, heater on and shivering despite it all. Basin of cold water made colder with chunks of ice, wet towel with pieces of ice tucked between the folds, numerous glasses of water later, the fever is receding but he is still shivering. So with orders to sleep and another glass of water on standby, he is resting.

If the fever does not go away, I don't know how we are going to clear immigration in Canada and Jamaica when we leave tomorrow for the long awaited holiday. I am fairly certain it will. The fever was not that high and he had not been drinking enough water - you can tell from the chapped and red lips and the hot breath.

And we have not even packed.

Respect

Over the years, familiarity has bred more and more contempt. How sad when those closest are also the ones who are the most likely to treat you with bad manners. In the sanctity of home because it is safe to treat people bad without stirring up surprise with outsiders. When shouting and yelling in response to a question is the norm rather than the exception; when it is better to ignore a question than to reply just because one can. It smacks of disrespect that no amount of make up kissing and hugging can wholly erase.

Can we not treat each other with genteel affection and warmth? Answer questions even if inconvenient instead of walking away or worse? To make the other party hurt because one is not in a good mood?

Who will we always fall back on when we need solace and succor? When we need to cuddle because after all we are human and family is the ultimate sanctum.

Relaxing Read

Wah, my calfs are sore. Three consecutive days of walking 16 to 17 laps, half of them backwards, are making their effects known. But I feel good. That's more than 10,000 steps a day. Wish I can do it everyday but that's unlikely. Although with the long daylight hours now, I should probably try to squeeze in at least half an hour each day. I prefer to walk on a race track than on a trail because I can better count my distance that way. And safely walk backwards. The weather here is simply superb for walking.

My new walking shoes arrived several days ago and they are already dusty and slightly rust red from the dirt track at Central Park used by Iron Horse kids for their PE. Reminds me of how the tennis players' shoes and socks look like from playing at clay courts in the recent grand slams.

This weekend has been relaxing. I have intentionally not worked on Friday, my day off except for an occasional Blackberry email. Need to free up my mind a bit so next week I can focus on the rest of the year. I want to revisit my love of reading and books. Since getting into IT, I have been reading less and less. Somehow, the fast pace of IT has invaded my senses and I lost the ability to just lay back and finish a good book. The mind refuses to stay still and the attention span has been gradually becoming shorter and shorter. I have lost the patience to complete even a chapter without the mind wandering off. And the telly too has been a bane. It aggravated the attention deficit. I am beginning to feel the loss. So now, I have started reading Mean Genes (from Nic who insisted I must read it to the end) and found myself regaining the joy of just holding a book in my hands, shutting out the world and letting the words come to life.

The Kindle 2 should help. As should the end of the television season. Watching replays of my favorite TV shows just does not appeal.

Love

Thank you for the wisdom and the counsel. I hear and I know deep in my heart, it is all true and more. May this day be the birth of a new me and a new relationship.

Brynn

But wait. Need to remind the one just arrived in Singapore to enjoy herself but also to be respectful of house rules and show good breeding. Work hard at the jobs that Uncle Damien has gone to a lot of trouble to plan out for you, show the best side of yourself and don't forget to call on your grandma and godma and the other aunties and uncles, distant though they may be from a intimacy perspective. We want to show them our kids are brought up well.

Twists & Turns

It is befuddling and it is aggravating. When miscommunication and an unintended series of blunders lead to tears and angry stomping and you stress out because it was all so stupid. All of us needs to learn how to communicate better and pay more attention to details. Be explicit about what one means and exercise common courtesy - like keeping to time, not expecting people to read one's mind or actions, explaining intentions clearly with no need for someone to second guess those intentions. And keeping one's cell always handy always charged up because it is very frustrating to call and call and call and get no response.

Sad and totally un-nerving.

And not helping to reduce the carbon footprint when one ends up cruising up and down San Ramon roads looking intently for a familiar figure probably weeping all the way home. At the risk of not paying attention to other drivers and people on the roads. Worrying about the worst and praying for the best.

Trials and tribulations of raising a brood. The journey back to UCB was heavy with unspoken remorse and regret.

On the lighter side, a box just arrived! And the Man asked me what I bought and I said sunscreen. But then again, I knew the sunscreen was out of stock and on back order so second guess, it must be the Half Man because the box says Amazon.com.

Wrong on all counts!

Thank you, Uncle Damien and Auntie Siew Mun and Ethan and Elliot. It was totally unexpected and a most wonderful surprise. A Kindle 2!!! And with a beautiful Cole Haan leather cover. I would never in a million years have bought one for myself because I could never in a million years find the will to get one. I don't ever bother with my own birthdays. But my siblings always remember and won't let me forget. So thank you thank you thank you.

More to come. I gotta play with my Kindle 2 first and get ready for my dental appointment.

Encore

The Half Man has scored yet again. Today over dinner, he proudly showed us an invitation to a breakfast for some President's award for students with GPA of 3.5 and better. This has obviously been a good year for him. He has learned what it feels like to be an achiever. Even in tennis, he is showing signs of improvement. Taking responsibility and holding oneself accountable - let's hope the journey of self discovery continues unabated...

Cherries

Yes, we did go cherry picking. After a short tiff at home and a long drive to Brentwood with a long detour to Berkeley to pick up you know who. Gave her ample notice we were en-route and still managed to keep us waiting by the roadside waiting for the grand entrance. When will they be punctual? All the more anxious given the distance, the very late start from home and the closing time of 4 to 5.

Still we arrive just before 3:30 with an hour and a half to gaze in wonder at the bunches just hanging off the rows on rows of trees. And of course, it is expected, almost compulsory that you pops one every now and then into the mouth after cleaning them rough shod on the shirt. The sun was out and it was actually warm but not hot. Perfect day for such activities. Ladders conveniently placed here and there but still the temptation to climb and go after the big dark red ones up high was too great to ignore. At $2 a pound, the cherries were not exactly cheap but you get to pick and they are fresh. Some families even bring mats to sit under the trees and have a picnic of sort, ignoring the sign up front that said, no picnicking, no climbing on trees, no dogs and ... And kids picking the low hanging ones and have a game of cherry throwing. Such waste.

We picked enough to share with the Tans and Lais. And Nic brought a bunch back to share with her new room mate. All in all, a good day. I got my exercise and I got my cherries. But I forgot my camera to take pics.

Rambling

So soon after the high heat, came a record breaking chill. Parts of the Bay Area broke the record for being the coldest for this time of year in half a century. It was so freaking cold, we had to turn the heat back on and went around in them woollies when sending Nic back to campus to check into her new dorm. Summer school starts tomorrow. We didn't get to meet her new room mate who had checked in but was probably at the orientation. Hopefully, this spells the end of the Jeni nightmares.

I have been a good girl these past two days. After squandering Friday afternoon, yakking away at the Lai's, instead of walking round the track as I planned to, I have been out beating the dirt path at Iron Horse Middle School 20 rounds yesterday and today. That's 5 miles each day, 5 laps and more walking backwards. It is funny to see how the people walking by to the Arts and Winds Festival in Central Park just a few hundred feet away try so hard not to look quizzically at me. Bet they don't often see people walking as though they have eyes in the back of their heads. Ah, but little do they know that backward walking and running actually have a lot of benefits, not the least of which is it burns up a heck of a lot more calories than forward walking and actually can increase overall health and possibly (?) lifespan.

It is close to noon on Memorial Day and the Man is still hanging out with his pals from Sons of Retirement or something like that. I am pretty sure tennis is long over and they must be ribbing each other and sharing gossips over latte at Starbucks. He has been inducted and bonding regularly with this group of active and very fun loving sons of America. They even have a yearbook! Looks like we aint gonna be picking cherries and other fruits today. The weather is better today so it would have been perfect for walking the farms, baskets in hands, plucking away at the bounty of nature (and the farmers' sweat, of course).

Memorial Day is a big event here, in remembrance of soldiers who gave the highest gift of all, their lives, for their country. Like last year's Presidential election, the new is gradually making inroads into the ways they are remembered. They are now remembered on the web. Friends and families can write on pages dedicated to every single soldier who died fighting in Iraq and the like. The pagentry of the old ways still lives on, however and tiny flags grace the tombs in cemeteries all over the country.

Maybe we should go to the Arts and Winds Festival instead. Admire all the handicrafts, eat fatty bad for the heart hotdogs and sway to the rock band that is bound to be there at the heart of the fair, entertaining young and old alike. Maybe pick up something we won't know what to do with afterwards.

Cherries

I hope we go cherry picking today or tomorrow. Read in the papers that this is the season for cherry picking with the farms mostly concentrated around the Antioch / Brentwood areas where YY, UJ and us went to drool over some absolutely gorgeous homes on large lots that cost less than a 5-room HDB flat. Complete with his and her baths and closets, stainless steel appliances, granite counter tops and huge rooms, including bonus rooms the size of your 3-bedroom HDB flat. Alas, too far from San Ramon (sob).

We've been here, what, two and three quarter years and never gone apple or cherry or blueberry picking. Cherries are my absolute favorite, surpassing even persimmon (which mom always used to buy when she came to stay). I can eat a tonne of them, watching the telly or reading. And full of juicy anti-oxidants too.

Got to surf the net and find the farms...

Stress

It's the Memorial Day weekend! Nic is home but there are boxes up and down the passage way to the bedrooms. She was sweet to come say to me last night when she fininshed unloading from the car that there are boxes everywhere and that I should not freak out because she will pack them away.

I was freaked out late yesterday afternoon when after a whole day of presentations and meetings and I was about to pack up and head for the City to attend some Microsoft events, the HR manager called to say my conversion may be rejected because I did not update my records. Totally messed up my mind for the rest of the day so I ended up slogging away at my desk till almost 8 pm just to get a business request for some changes to their sites out of the way and to calm myself down. Skipped the events which would have been so interesting because they update me on technological developments central to what I do for a living. It was not even my fault - they misread my updates in the online system and the senior manager who questioned my application thought my intention was to go back to the little island in the tropics. I had to explain that those were old records from where CL was my boss and the records were migrated from the now decommissioned system. No one told me to delete them. And I had definitely updated the records with the new stuff but they missed them. Sigh! Totally stressed me out.

Wonder if we should take advantage of the long weekend and just drive somewhere. Clear the minds, reset the relationships, enjoy this ginormous and beautiful land. I need a break from the relentless pressure. I need spiritual and mental uplift.

Hunger

It is 2:30 and my promised lunch is nowhere in sight. Wah, when the two men get together, they either come back angry because they had a tiff somewhere or they have too much fun to worry about poor starving mommy. Wait, I hear footsteps...

High Heat

So because of the heat - forecast 96 F - today, I chose to spend the morning at home instead of going for the usual walk and tennis at Amador Valley High. Have to stave away all the spots from years of exposure to the Singapore and California sun in my reckless youth and middle age and which I have spent the year trying so hard to "bleach" away. But of course, as usual, the OCD kicked in and I spent the few hours of peace and relative coolness in the house, doing what else but cleaning. Swiffers the floor and washes the boy's toilet which he had done (twice) after I basically threatened him with dire punishment but left much to be desired. Scums and stains and strange red mildew at the edges of the bath tub. How can someone be so lackaluster in their chores? How did he not inherit my penchant for cleaning and wiping and destroying appliances through over-scrubbing? If he had his druthers, he would wallow in his own you know what.

The heat had another consequence - the second tennis tournament is postpone to goodness knows when. Just as well. The kids will swelter and dehydrate under the blazing sun.

And you know summer is around the corner when insects suddenly appear in the house out of nowhere. I swatted a fly yesterday and flushed it down the toilet along with the bleach and detergent from scrubbing the bowl and today, there are a couple of small, who knows what that I very adeptly washed down the basins when they had the audacity to appear before me while I was washing my hands. Wonder if there is karma in getting rid of insects that invade your hearth. I hope the heavenly beings understand my OCD-ness and the importance of not allowing creepy crawlies to come between your family and healthy living.

The boy called to ask what I want for lunch. When I am not with them, they go to restaurants. When I am with them, we usually end up at Target's cheap cafeteria? A little self reflection is called for. I must be the Scrooge.

Hot

This will be a hot weekend. Slobber yourself in sunscreen. Looking at mid to high 90s bordering on the triple digit. Ouch.

The poor rich of Santa Barbara. Another fire so soon after the last. Watching all those beautiful homes engulfed in flames. When one is seriously pondering the damage to one's financial stabillity of putting a roof over one's brood in place of living in someone else's abode. Sad.

Love

There is a big bunch of flowers on the new dining table. Against the black sheen of the glass top of the very modern looking table, it looks very stunning. Beautiful. From my kids for Mother's Day. Thank you guys! You all predicted I would say, why spend the money. And you are right, I did. And Nic chuckled and said, chae said you would say that. Yes, I am that predictable. And you all know why.

Yet there was a small splotch to the whole Mother's Day thing that made me sad. That I know not how to love them or at least one of them. What is love and how does one manifest it? Ultimately, it is all in the perception. My still very Asian roots drive me in one direction - that love is manifested in sacrifice in giving up on things for oneself so the next generation will not suffer as one did and will advance at least one notch up, but the world in which the new millenials are growing up expects love to be manifested in more physical, material and vocal ways, ways that are uncomfortable for us because it was never done to us when we were growing up. The tension between the two worlds pulls us apart against our wills.

But ultimately it matters not this tension. When all's said and done, it is the conscience that settles the matter. Someday, the tiny regret I have carried all my life about the lost opportunity to share that one thing with my father may be yet passed on to the next generation. And it can never be erased.

But I am thankful for the beauty that now graces the dining cum living room. And for today, my wedding anniversary. Maybe after that half man is back from Disneyland, we can bring the kids for dinner to at least celebrate the event that brought this family into being.

Homework

So today I telecommuted. To save myself the inconvenience of trying not to cough or cough too loudly and worrying my colleagues and to give my weakened constitution some space and time to recover in the comfort of home. Usually I don't really like working from home because it is usually colder than the office and does not have all the paraphernalia that one usually needs like the office printer, stationeries, and so on and so forth. But today was actually quite pleasant, sitting in the dining alcove with the sun streaming in the windows and warming up the place. Not having to change, drive and having a proper lunch instead of whatever I remembered to bring from home (think yogurt cups) or biscuits tucked away in one of the drawers.

But still my cough persists although my voice is now sounding more human and less amphibian. And the meds have really helped with the allergy. I have not so much as blown my nose once since the visit to the doctor. Amazing. Why did I put up with the sniffing and wheezing all spring last year and so much of spring this year?

Even had time to bring the boy and myself for our haircuts so he will look neat and sprightly as he leaves in two days to travel for the first time hundreds of miles without mom and dad. The apron string is starting to unravel.

More...

My voice is slowly but surely returning to its natural pitch. But my head still hurts and my throat feels pricky still. Oh, what would I give to be normal again.

And in a related note, the H1N1 has finally hit the San Ramon Valley school district with the first case causing an elementary school to be closed for the entire coming week. I hope Iron Horse is spared because the half man is due to travel with his school band to Disneyland for a recording session this Wednesday and it would be such a shame and a heart breaking one if they cannot go because the entire school has to be quarantined. I hope we get to see the results of the recording which according to Mrs Brown is a replication of a movie studio recording - if memory serves me right they actually will be using the Disney Studio recording studio. Just like the real thing - go check out musictrip.com. It should be a fantastic experience. I have wondered time and again if I should not have signed up to be a parent chaperone. But the half man wanted some space and I have to start respecting his wishes - he is now the self declared tallest person in the family after all. Not that he looks all that tall given his skinny frame. The good news is, it means he probably will continue growing vertically since his frame has not quite filled out. Certain body fuzz are starting to show up in the obvious places - you can kinda peek through the sleeves sometimes. Where else would you think I was talking about??? He has done well this semester, with straight A's although not consistently so with some dips into B territories every now and then that jars before pulling them back into the alpha regions. Must be bad for parents' hearts. I look at him sometimes and wonder where the little chubby boy in the very tight Henry Park beige tee and brown shorts has gone. That was the only time when he was ring boy for Ching when he was not thin. Sad that I don't have pictures of him during that period. Maybe I can ask Ching for a copy of his wedding video.

Maybe I will feel good enough later today to go buy him a snazzy tie for the Disneyland trip. He has been told to get one - funky, fun-loving and young. His daddy very kindly offered some of his but ...

And today, must remember to call a certain person up north. The one who is becoming a professional student.

Brynn's Birthday

Happy 21st birthday, Brynn Brynn. With the golden key in your heart and in your hand now, I hope this augurs a new beginning for you. One filled with purpose, determination and crystal clear clarity on what you want for your future and how to get there. This is the first step into the brave new world of adulthood, responsibility and accountability to self and those around you who love you and have only your best interests at heart. Enjoy this day and every day that comes hereafter.

Sick & Sorrowful

When I talk in the office these several days, people look at me quizzically and I can see the hesitation and the slight shift to create more space between us. It amuses me. Then I assure them I only have the allergy because it is Spring and tree and grass pollens are everywhere. And the toad like sounds that emanate from my throat is symptomatic of a loss of normal vocal chords function due to coughing from the allergy. And yes, I have been to the doctor and no, I don't have H1N1. I know I should probably not come to work and scare people like that but with my one and only staff away on a week-long training and a growing pipeline of request for SharePoint, I cannot stay away. Bad excuse I know but with my job performance being evaluated as what it is, it is a question of survival and staying on top of work.

Last night I thought I was getting better. The meds for running nose seemed to be helping and my nose was not always running and dripping and I could finally breathe lying down. But the cough came back to wreck me and I had to finally succumb and opened that dreaded bottle of cough med. So today, I am a little whoozy in the head and that second cup of coffee is beginning to look very tempting. Maybe it will clear enough of the wool in my brain to let me finish that horrid spreadsheet needed for business planning. I had put it off a whole week already. And getting that documentation out on getting my team built out.

I am beginning to feel insecure, unsure of what the next year will look like and my self esteem has been struck a mortal blow. What am I to do? Why is there so much burden on my skinny shoulders? When will all these be lifted and I can breathe freely and not worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will take care of itself? Who can share my cares?

Busy

I am sore. Limping around the house picking up stuff and doing the laundry after a long day out. Hurt my ankle walking 20 laps around the track, forward, backwards and sideways after an hour of tennis (or attempts at tennis rather) followed by at least another half hour of tennis. The walking somehow strained the front of my right foot and the tennis after didn't help. Better nursed the leg for the rest of the evening.

We got home very late last night so today was a bit more of a strain from the reduced hours of sleep. it was the Singapore makan club again but at the very beautiful home of Sunny and Janet. The usual suspects with the potluck of Singapore dishes crowned by Hainanese chicken and roast chicken Singapore-style prepared by Sunny. The food was wonderful but it is always the company that draws us together. The chance to talk Singlish, make awful jokes and tease each other endlessly, We are so lucky to have met and joined this bunch of Singapore friends that fate somehow brought together in far away California.

Back to today. It was a mad dash from Amador Valley after Chinese class first to Big 5 at Crow Canyon to pick up a can of tennis balls and then home for the half man to change and then to CalHigh where the half man took part in his first ever tennis tournament. He was a little wary for the first half, not sure what to expect. The other kids were pretty rowdy - they obviously knew each other and we reckoned, correctly, must all be from the same tennis school. And most of them were fairly good but as the Man pointed out, taught mainly to return soft to keep the ball in play. Different from how the half man was taught - hard and fast. The second half saw a changed boy, more confident, more comfortable, surer of himself, able to serve much better and the hard shots finally had their chance to deliver their goods. You could not tell from the kids' interactions, that they had an outsider in their midst. Ryan was just one of them. Kids are so much more accepting than adults in so many ways - color blind and comfortable with one another.

We need to have more activities like these. Spring is in full swing and yes, my nose drips and I sneeze mornings and nights and in between from the pollens and trees and struggle to breathe through the one unclogged nostril but love the growing hours of daylight and the sight of people coming out in tees and shorts. Oh, if only the family can all come and live here.

High Heat

Not even mid-Spring and we are into a heat wave. Seems not so many days ago, we were all still bundled up in fleeze and sweaters and since yesterday, we are sweltering under 90+ degrees skies, as high as 96 in some places. Not that people are complaining. Most colleagues I spoke to seem to be relishing the sudden end to the cold and the burning heat of the sun on the skin. Won't last long though. By mid-week, the cooler weather will resume the upper hand and things will become more Spring-like and less Summer-like again.

So for two days at least, we had Singapore style heat without the Singapore-style mugginess. Yum.

Beauty

Alas, the sun is shining so bright on this beautiful Saturday morning and all the half man can do is laze around watching stupid kiddy shows on the telly after moaning and groaning about being woken up at near 10. There is something inherently wrong when a person in the first burst of youth is not inspired by the beauty around him.

Spring break is nearly over for the boy. He has uncomplainingly spent the entire week at home because we did not plan any trip. Except for the occasional harrassing calls to the office in the midst of conference calls or meetings. Imploring me to come home to him.

I had a nice long walk around the dirt track yesterday when the two were out for the boy's tennis lesson. Bliss, with the music in my ears, the sun beaming down and peace and quiet all around. Watching a father coaching his 3 young sons on baseball as I walked round and round, spending bonding time as fathers should. So the sons grow up strong imbued with the right values. He was patient, even with the youngest who wailed for a long while probably because he was too young to really enjoy the sport and was getting bored.

And the three ladies, one of way above normal girth, also using the track. It was funny watching them as they pass me by going the opposite direction. One obviously very athletic and a jogger, one trying her best to emulate the first yet keeping the third company. And the big one, trying to catch her breath, obviously straining and wheezing. And giving up after only several rounds. Life has its moments. The one who needs it most has the hardest time.

It is awfully beautiful in San Ramon this time of year, with the mountains lush and green from the winter. The tree pollens have me sneezing and dripping but I gladly pay the price. The cold of winter is over and the days get longer with each passing moment. The leaves are sprouting and waving in the wind and the kids are out playing. On the way to the track, I passed by three young boys taking turns on a three wheeled skate-bike, for want of a better name, and they cheerfully said hello to me and told me about the bike. Now why couldn't my boy be more outdoorsy like that? American kids seem to be brought up to have more confidence in themselves.

I am so going for another long walk today. I hope the young man joins me but he has tennis in an hour or so and may be too grouchy again. Me? I am going to enjoy spring as much as I can. It is only fair to mother nature.

Nice

It was gorgeous weather for a very invigorating walk near Central Park just across the road and next to Iron Horse Middle School. Couldn't imagine why I did not get out of the house earlier so I could take a longer stroll. Sometimes, waiting for the sun to ease off a little is a trifle foolish in balmy California. The long winter is really over.

Inside

Why is it so hard to imbue the right values and mores in your offsprings? Having domestic help that picked up after your kids for years has made them soft and lazy, loathe to raise a finger to help with the chores, even to clean up after themselves. The dishes they wash have food stuck on them and oil skins on the surfaces. The toilet looks just as messed up as before they started cleaning and the clothes lay when they were changed out. You ask, you coach, you cajole and finally you yell. Still the attitude does not change and the hormones are making them into beast where conversations are not conversations but high pitch moans and groans and grumblings that raise your stress levels and blood pressure to a point where you feel like you are going to get a burst vessel.

The sun is out, the days have been fabulous yet the abode which should be a place of sojourne and healing is the least bit so. Methinks I shall go out and take a long walk to find the solace that will bring my chi back to a state of balance.

Warm Weather

Spring weather is the best. Not so cold so for the first time in a long time, the heater is turned off, to my utter delight. The gas bill should go south hereon, I daresay. And the daylight hours are lengthening. We are not living in long twilight hours, the birds are out chirping in the morning and it is bright when I leave home for the office and bright when I leave the office for home. I can live in the house with just a t-shirt, not layered up like a rolly polly bundle of something. But the sun can be too bright but there's no persuading the macho ones to slap on sunblock for their own protection. Given how much trouble it has been for me to try and alleviate all the sun damage from my reckless youth (when sunscreen lotion had yet to be invented), the time of reckoning will come for he of the arrogant bent who predicts his spouse will not begrudge his complexion since she chose to marry him. Ah well.

Last night, in celebration of Earth Hour, we turned off all the lights in the house from 8:30 pm for an hour. And the boy was content to read his book holding a tiny reading light while the girl stuck to her Mac in the dark. Thank you, babies. Our blue planet thank you.

I checked the web cams to see if the bridges of San Francisco were all darkened and it was hard to tell from the screen. But I am sure they were.

Band

We are just back from the Cal High Area Band Festival. What was supposed to be an evening of watching my boy playing with bands from elementary, middle schools and the Cal High wind ensemble, he was sitting on the bench with us watching his band mates play. Because apparently, there was never any intention to have any keyboardist in the 8th grade or any of the pieces for that matter, and the band teacher did not bother to bring the keyboards. His name along with that of his fellow keyboardist who always rotate with him, were not even in the printed program, omitted from the long list of names. The boy was told to just hang around; the other keyboardist just sat with the band, hands on laps. They both were not given even the slightest hint that they would not be playing and had dutifully shown up, music scores in hand, all dressed up. To think we had rushed to first Marshalls and then Target to get a new pair of pants and new shoes because he had outgrown the old ones. I was very disappointed and rather mad with Mrs Brown. Was planning to write an email to ask why she would subject two kids to such humiliation. That is, until the boy told me not to - I think he just does not cherish any kind of confrontation with his teacher - and that she may have been given the pink slip as a result of the school budget cut. Then I could not find it in my heart to be mad anymore. The school would lose its one and only band teacher. There would be no more bands. That is a terrible thing to happen to the school and the kids. This budget crisis is hurting people who don't deserve to be hurt. I am sad for both Mrs Brown and the kids.

Looking at Mrs Brown the whole evening, you would not know what was happening. She was her usual frumpy, slightly "sua ku" self, wandering all over the floor, touching a kid now and then and not showing any particular remorse over the boy's sense of loss as to what to do with himself. And just a week ago, we were listening to her bubbling over, sharing with the parents the plans for the band's trip to Disneyland to play at the recording studio, assuring the parents the kids would be fine. What a shame!