Life's Lessons

Some day when I have passed,and life takes it's toll on those I have spawned and worked all my life to sustain, a time for reflection will descend. Then, the heart will clench and regret floods the conscience. Yes, my voice is distasteful and my answers not what were wanted. The whine. Yes, I am the one. The guilt loader. The One with the f voice. Those who live off the b, s and t of the only one who have never stopped to catch a breathe so there is always a roof, bread and school, must always give. And give. And give. Or be befouled.

Both Birthdays

It's been a while.  Somehow, the urge to tell the www what's going on in our lives seem to have drop way down low in the scheme of things to do.

Much has happened.

Not the least of which have been two birthdays.  The big girl's 27th and the coming of age of my youngest girl.  Happy 21st Birthday, Nic!  Hope you will always treasure the gift of life and the little gift we got you for the special day.

And my boy has been summoned to register for the military.  The little red dot is relentless in its governance.  Tying up my life savings is not enough surety.  Two years before he could even graduate from high school, he must sign up for his national service.

And when he goes, the Man and I will relocate to a place just as hot and humid as the little red dot.  We will miss the balmy weather and rolling hills and mountains of California.  We will miss our friends here, friends who openly welcome us, strangers that we were, into their homes and heath just because we came from the same place.  Friends who have come to be a surrogate family when our own are so far away.  They have not been told.  Wonder what reactions we will get.

It will be a new adventure.  A new place to get to know and to enjoy.  And hopefully, enjoy with more financial freedom.  The change may come earlier than two years.  Must think of creative alternatives to pulling my boy in his last year of high school and transplanting into a new environment.  The rebellion will be brutal.

Note to self: call mom.

Fun Filled

Happy Birthday, America!

And in a seeming affirmation of residency, I am called up for jury duty.  But much as I would like to do my civic duty, I will have to politely and with a tinge of relief/regret, call to decline on account of not having yet taken a pledge of citizenship.

There are still lingering intermittent clashes over non-fulfillment of promises by a certain young man.  But inter-spaced with time spent out.  We had a fantastic evening out, just the two of us at the Pink Martini concert.  It was just the most thoroughly enjoyable show I have had in too long a time.  Note to self: keep applying for tickets.  Out first foray into Davies Hall will not be our last, I promised myself.  When YY come next time, we will make it a point to go to a concert there.

And an evening with the Man the next evening at the Rooster T Comedy Club.  The legacy of a trip down south by YY that never materialized.  Much to my surprise, each groupon is for two and I have another two groupons.  More dates with the Man await.  Hope his interest stays.

And then off Saturday morning to the Fillmore Jazz Festival in the city for some five hours of music, Americana street food and gazing at a whole street of arts, crafts and hats on hats on hats.  Not to mention escape from the heat wave in East Bay that suddenly descended after a highly unusual day of heavy rain during the week.  Smack in the heart of Japantown.  Where we also ended up exploring the East and West Malls and found a ton of restaurants and shops so dutifully, we stocked up on shampoos and cleansers, seaweed and knick knacks.  Things hard to find back home.

Tried to get to Golden Gate Park across from the Academy of Sciences and the Rose Garden but ended up at the Conservatory of Flowers except of course, it was closing so we loitered at the park in front just watching the picnickers enjoying a nice summer day.

Back to Japantown for dinner before dropping the girl off at Berkeley.

It has been hot hot hot these last two uneventful, relatively speaking but otherwise typical weekend days.  Except of course, today is not the weekend.  It is the Fourth of July and we are not going to Central Park to watch the fireworks.  Macy's fireworks on television is pretty spectacular too.

Dearth

This is one of those days where I wish I was no more.  Where there are no more dependents, no more tax surprises, no more worrying about falling grades and college fees and expenses, utilities bills, mortgage payments, clean clothes and neat beds, no more being held responsible for behaviors I cannot control, when people will wake up because the one who has always been in the middle balancing it all is gone and they would have to be responsible for themselves.

I cry silently in solitude.  The sky is crying with me but the tears and rain cannot ease the fear, pain and hurt.

My heart is broken in multiple pieces and my finances are in shambles.  Take me away and let me rest.  Please.

Solace

Looks like there were a few visitors - two virtual and one physical.  The one dropped in from Doha after a convention in Orlando.  The half man graciously yielded his room for 5 days to the uncle who spent days looking at houses with the Man and other days with a friend in a rented sports convertible to behold.

Work is killing me.  Slowly.  I feel out of my depth.  Drowning in topologies and extensibility and application pools that test my understanding and challenges my limited exposure to the stuff I am supposed to help architect.  There are those who understand the dilemma and try to overcome the limitations and others who I can feel are starting to write off any value from this rather hapless architect.  It was not of my choice and not of my doing but I think they underestimate what I can eventually deliver and know not my resilence in days past.  To them was allowed stability through the upheavals.  To me, this is the fifth change in as many years.  While they were learning and absorbing and finally able, to me was change on change of focus and disciplines.  Subject matter expertise needs time and nurture.  But my leaders must have known me as a change agent.  So that's what I must deliver.  I must not descend to the level of technicians.  They would not like that.

But I do need to step up fast.

Speckled

The bright sunlight only serves to remind me how dusty our windows are.  We have not washed them in a year.  But not till the rains stops.  Given how the weather has turned, it should be soon.  Wonder if the more than ample rains over the winter into spring will bring forth the famous wild flowers of Death Valley.  Almost 5 years into our sojourn have I grasped the meaning of ample rain.

Last year this time, methinks I was painting our white fences.

Rays

It is promising.  The ground is not wet with new prespitation and the sun is peeking through the somewhat cloudless sky. Swaths of sunlight sweep the lawn.  Maybe today, the small town shopkeepers will get a respite from mudslides and the hapless homeowners with red and yellow tagged houses will get some stability.  California is done (?) with the drench.