Another Sunday. A good chat on Facebook with number 1. A whirlwind of a week gone by with number 2 and companion here for too short a stay blasting through Six Flags Discovery, bbq on the now much cleaner grill and sessions of convincing powers that be why I should be the person for the jobs in their soon to be new orgs. Finished updating my PMP for upcoming review this week and summarizing why I should have one of the 5 jobs I posted all amidst several loads of laundry, iRobot running around sucking up dust and mites and re-making all the beds with clean sheets and covers. Achievements!
Is there nothing more to life?
I want to put it all aside. Live my life. All I have ever done is for someone else - to keep food on the table while I succor my hunger on daily bread, to pay bills, to pick up after others, to scrimp so my brood will not want, to read about others' summer vacations and wish them enjoy. When will it be time for me to live for me? To lay it all aside and say, now I can expend on me?
I think of Papa a lot these days and wonder what he will think of his first born. Will he be proud of me or will he weep? Will he give me an A or a F for not having become what he had hoped for me? If he were here today, I will pour out my heart to him, to let him know that I am too much like him, too much. I will work myself to death like him. Will he like that or will he shake his head and sigh as he oft did in his all too short life? Papa, there is so much of you in me and so much I want to tell you.
I should have listen too to Mama and taken my time. Things have changed more than I ever expected. One day, Mama, maybe I will have the courage or the strength to find a new me. It is my karma. I must have been a bad person before although I cannot imagine how. I lack the constitution to be truly bad or evil. I don't think I will make the cut.
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