Zen

You can tell when I am on leave. I look for ways to spend my time because I get so angtsy when time passes and I am not doing anything. Explains why I am writing this journal almost every other day when I can go dark for weeks during normal times. Too much a chip off the old block. My father was a workaholic - he worked himself to death basically. I don't think I will do that but the need to make full use of every living day, every living hour is obsessive. I just don't know how to savor lazy days like I used to be able to as a kid - give me a couch and a good book, a big glass of water and something salty to wash down the water with and I will be dead to the world for hours. Something my mother could never understand or tolerate. Or just do nothing as others can. I envy them. I look at the bathroom or kitchen and thoughts of washing and scrubbing come to the fore. I look at the washing closet and thoughts of eliminating that basket of laundry fills the mind. Which is why some would say, I am pai mia - literally difficult life.

This is the one vacation where I have been forced not to plan anything to do or places to go. I am paranoid about filling my vacation days to the brim with "useful" or "productive" activities. When can I learn to let go and just live for the moment? To focus on the people around me rather than on things to do and tasks to fill the time?

Last night, I lay on Nic's bed for a bit just to feel her next to me, to enjoy the quiet respite. We chatted a bit, we built the companionship and it was wonderful. We do that sometimes, but too rarely. She will be gone to college soon and I just know my heart will break one more time. She has always been the cutest but also the most withdrawn of my girls. The one who would play truant when she was supposed to be at ballet class and not tell you why when caught or questioned. Who at Primary 2 would not do homework for 3 whole terms crushing up the assignment papers into a big ball in her schoolbag, who would almost every year till she was 15 sleep for half an hour dead to the teacher and her classmates while lessons were going on, who would stare with those big guileless eyes at her piano teacher and not breathe a word thereby driving Mrs Fong beserk and furious enough to threaten a stop to all lessons multiple times... Nic is just ... different. Yet she, more than the others, has a huge hidden reservoir of resolve and guts, and will stand up and be counted if it comes to that. She has talents but would not use them, until the moment is right. Witness the momentous climb from near bottom to having the best "O" level results of all my girls, even better than the much vaunted cousin who will remain un-named. I just know when the occasion calls for it, my Nic will rise to any challenge. She just needs to be comfortable with herself and to believe in herself. When she finds herself, she will be awesome.

Spring Sojourn

Today was spent planning out Spring break. My colleagues tell me Death Valley is a sight to behold in spring when the temperatures are bearable and the millions of flowers bloom as if overnight. Death Valley - the name itself is beguiling and one always hear of it in association with people crawling near death under a merciless sun or vehicles churning up clouds of dust on long lonely roads amidst barren rocks and parched earth. Courtesy of hollywood. So Death Valley always holds a certain morbid fascination. The reality could be very different. We shall see.

I am so not good at planning these events. Unlike YY. It took me hours looking and re-looking at different websites, checking out rates and availability, googling for directions, finding out what makes budgetary sense without ending up in some unsafe dump. Wish YY were here. I miss her terribly.

So the reservation is made. Our last trip before Nic heads off to college. Or maybe we can still squeeze in a short summer trip. Yellowstone maybe? I don't know how long more we will stay in this vast land. Hopefully many more years but who knows?

So I have not done anything on my vacation except for this. But I have been sleeping, if not totally restfully, at least with enough hours to pay off some of the sleep debt that inevitably accumulates during normal work weeks. It is wonderful to be able to just sleep on without having to check the clock. And the Man and I did put in a couple of hours on the tennis court over the last couple of days. Thank you fuddy.

I forget Christmas eve. It was quite some night. There were a lot more people than I had figured would be coming. Peter and Mary, CJ and Tommy and their 2 boys, Amy and Elvin and their two girls, Patrick and Jenny and 2 nephews and niece from Singapore, Su-ann and her mom, Lai's family and our foursome. That's quite a crowd. The food was yummy - the Lai's are good cooks - but more than that, the company was really enjoyable. Lai's brother and sister-in-law (Patrick and Jenny) are very friendly. Between them, Su-ann who is still schooling but also works at Old Towne Cafe and speaks with a distinct Singapore accent even though she is from JB, and Lai, we laughed all night. So much so, we forgot the time and only broke up after 2:00 am.

Christmas Cheers

To our families and friends in Singapore, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! We are feeling a great big vacuum because we have never spent a Christmas and New Year without all of you surrounding us.

We miss singing carols in GuGu's house and we miss opening up presents under the tree and making a mess. And most of all, we miss the warmth and company of our family and friends.

Giving

How do you raise children? The Chinese has a saying, birth is natural, raising them is natural. Something like that. Hard to paraphrase without losing all the nuances. Wish it were that simple. In the old days maybe. When children were meant to be seen but not heard. The way my parents raised us - at least for the brief period we were together as a family. Mother and Father were not around much for us - it's a wonder we didn't end up psychological wrecks or wayward persons with no ballast. Most of what I remember of childhood was a constant reminder of being on the fringe of want, never having much of anything and sharing a single bed with my sibling, a succession of relatives and even a neighbour rotating in and out of our lives to make up for the absences of our parents, and lots of punishments from the mother rightly or wrongly. Hard to be the eldest, especially if you are not a son. A son is treasure, the eldest daughter expected to help with the burdens. Still can't say I have not been fortunate. I had education, and I had books where I could journey into different realms and discover other dimensions, much more than my mother ever had or could do. So each generation surpasses the previous, like the relentless waves of the ocean.

But I struggle with parenting. The old saying assumes parenting comes with giving them life. It's not so simple. In the old days, all you do is feed them, clothe them, and maybe impart some traditions and values - I remember mother sitting us down in a row at mealtimes when we were young, feeding us in turn from the same bowl. If I am allowed to be crude, like an assembly line or feeding farm animals. Barely literate, how could they be expected to help with homework, worry about getting good grades and not having missing assignments? Barely able to sustain the family, how could they provide the extras that hopefully will provide a more rounded, more complete exposure to the many facets of life, like music lessons, overseas education, golf lessons, hoilday trips to broaden minds and outlooks? There is no expectation of any returns on investment - you expense in the hope they have richer more interesting more fulfilling lives than yours and there is scant expectation that anything comes back. Meantime, the words of war and the stress age you, cause the body to increasingly fail because of the toil the acts of giving life itself and the stress take on the physical, mental and emotional.

In quieter moments, I thought there is a meaning and a purpose to all these, that someday when their turn comes, they will realise that their parents did all with the best intents, all because of a four letter word. In reality, it is just to numb the mind and heart and measure the days when the burden will pass and the Man and I can live as we will. But that day may come too late for us to really fully live it.

Shows & Shopping

Yesterday, we went to watch two, yes 2, movies. Golden Compass and I Am Legend or something like that. Starring Will Smith as a doctor who found a vaccine to save mankind from a cancer cure gone awry. I rather enjoyed both shows, especially the second but the Half Man who was with me for both, cringed all through the Legend. He is still a bit of a baby when it comes to horror or scary movies.

Today, the Half Man and I will go do a bit of last minute Christmas shopping, just as soon as I finish paying all the bills and this post. Yes!

Happy Holidays

Today is the start of the year end holidays. Till Jan 6. But we have no plans and no place to go. Maybe we can still take day trips and explore the Bay Area. Go to Apple Hill past Sacramento. Maybe take a day trip to Yosemite although the drive is so long, you have to leave almost as soon as you arrive. I exaggerate. Maybe a few hours later. But the days are so short, you will be mostly driving in the dark if you leave even after two hours of arriving. Seems silly.

Speaking of short days, today is the winter solstice. Shortest day of the year. Yeah! From tomorrow, each day becomes longer. Something to look forward to.

I promised the Half Man we will go catch a movie, probably Golden Compass at the Hacienda Crossings, very close to where the relatives stayed exactly a year ago. The apartment where we struggled in the freezing cold to find the key and could not figure out the key lock. That seems like it happened only yesterday but it was a year ago. Go figure.

Yesterday, I sat with Lay Keow watching the Cal High winter band performance. The symphonic band played first and they were good. Then the orchestra and they were good too. But the final band, the wind emsemble was AWESOME. They got standing ovation from some of the parents. Well deserved. Especially, one very fast piece that according to Kent Johnson, the music teacher and conductor, had 62 times or something like that and it was only the second time in 3 months of practice that the band had got it correct. The kids were impressive. All of them, although those in the seats watching were somewhat rowdy in their cheerings, especially when Kent was talking to the audience. A little disrespectful. But they came to cheer their friends on and the support was palpable.

Christmas eve, we are off to Lay Keow's house for dinner. I am looking forward to it.

Ryan's Recital II

Amazingly, it was the time of the year when Milen and his wife puts together the Christmas recital for their students again. Wow, seems like it was not so long ago that we went to the first one in honor of Mother's Day.

There were 20 some kids who played pieces ranging from beginner pieces like what we endured for all 4 offsprings to a couple of boys who in addition to the piano also played on their own recorder and violin. One, an Indian girl of 8, was in her birthday finery and another Chinese girl is going to be 6 in a couple of days so this was a rather special day for both of them. If I may say so myself as a proud mom, he was a league apart from all of them even the boy just before him. Milen had organized the pianists in order of maturity or competency, beginning with the really young who just started but there were a couple who may be older than the Half Man. Both in May and today, Ryan was the final player, like a grand finale.

Here is Ryan's recital, for which he got praised by some folks who came up at the end of the event to congratulate him. One of them even brought her son, Ryan, who played earlier to introduce him to our Ryan. Almost all asked how old he was, I guess to compute in their own minds how good a pianist he is relative to their own kids. One lady jokingly said her daughter has a whole year to come up to his standards. I secretly believe the Half Man basked in all the glory even though he was mostly shy, a tad embarrassed and retiring.



Milen ended the event by playing a Christmas song with his wife singing. I will post their piece later. And because I am such a proud mom, I also posted the Half Man's pieces on YouTube. Here is the link:

The rest of the day was spent waiting in the car while the Half Man joined what was left of the weekly First Tee lesson and in a stupor in bed, catching up on a sleep debt from a whole week of uneasy sleep.

Nothingness

It has been a week since lau ta and Stef went back to Oxtown. Shocking how time slips by when you are not noticing. But there is a plus to the vacuum she left behind. The mess that seems to surround her wherever she goes is also gone. Sigh. Picking up after her is almost a full time job. I just cleared out a full bowl of tapioca balls from her shortlived effort to make bubble tea for us. That thing has been there for more than two weeks.

The year is rapidly drawing to a close and we have no plans for the winter break. It seems so humdrum compared to last year when first BYY and then the others came a-visiting and there was all that excitement of skiing and snowboarding at Lake Tahoe. Frankly, we do not know what to do with ourselves. Meantime, adieu.

Pyramidal Passage

So here is the Cal High performance at the Tournament Championship at Fairfield High School some weeks ago. The band has improved and improved its performance since the parents review when we first were invited to view "Passage to the Pyramids." This final performance was much different from the preview and indisputably, the best. Watch carefully and you can see the Eqyptian postures and the formation of the pyramid.



And admire these cool pics of Muir Woods, Stinson Beach, vistas from Pacific Highway 1 and GGB:

Living Life

Last night I went off by myself to spend time with myself. I really did not intend it that way. I wanted to do something for myself, for once. And since Nic had to go to Marta's apartment for some school thing, it seemed like an OK thing to do. So I dropped her off at Windermere and drove aimlessly and ended up at StoneRidge where I found myself checking into a facial package. I was remorseful after it happened even to spend some on myself. I walked the length of the mall twice or more killing time, waiting for the magical hour to retrieve my daughter. JC Penney was having a big sale. I browsed and circled round many times around the shoes because I really should get myself a decent pair for the office and clothes because my wardrobe is old but in the end I walked away from it all.

I called and asked if I could come early, just sit and wait or read a magazine. I could hear the negotiations and discussions over the cell. And in the end, the girls refused. They did not want me anywhere in the apartment. I did not mind. I thought they probably would feel very awkward with me there watching. So although I arrived before 11 pm, I sat in the car in the cold. Until, I was told to come up. Marta's mom was awake so the girls ccould bear to have me there.

In quiet moments, I have pondered how others view me and why my relationships with those closest to me are the way they are. The obsession with making sure we have enough set aside for a rainy day and fears of not being able to send the kids to college because I failed to save have made me a bitter, overly miserly person, someone difficult to live with, whose larder is usually devoid of life's little favors. Marta's family lives in a so-called low income housing complex (much nicer if you ask me than a 4-room HDB flat) yet the small apartment was crammed full of things - CDs. musical equipment. nic-nacs and there were plenty of things to tempt a teenager's palate. And it was warm with plenty of laughter because the kids were allowed to make a mess while dreaming up their piece for the upcoming talent show. Yeah it was messy and the mom was with some pain, stepping on things but she happily served up bagels with goat cheese, V8's, tea, tid-bits, snacks and jokes. She has nightmares about not being able to meet quotas but would not trade in the flexiblity to decide how she spends her time as a self employed agent, relishing her freedom to spend time as she wills with her family. Contrast this with me - I have anxieties about being laid off and being forced into early retirement but would not risk a steady income. I obsessively set for myself savings targets and have not even been spending on lunch, mostly living on yogurt from Costco, hot chocolate from the office pantry and fig bakes from Target. At the supermarts, my instinctive responses to my kids' "shall we buy ..." are inevitably a no unless it is a necessity. And my insistence on neatness and cleanliness and constant harping on turning off the lights, the heating, the water and consistently asking about school grades have made me a nag. If I were a teenager, I think I would find myself hard to like. No wonder why my own find it hard to converse with me. I have become my own worst enemy.