Zen

You can tell when I am on leave. I look for ways to spend my time because I get so angtsy when time passes and I am not doing anything. Explains why I am writing this journal almost every other day when I can go dark for weeks during normal times. Too much a chip off the old block. My father was a workaholic - he worked himself to death basically. I don't think I will do that but the need to make full use of every living day, every living hour is obsessive. I just don't know how to savor lazy days like I used to be able to as a kid - give me a couch and a good book, a big glass of water and something salty to wash down the water with and I will be dead to the world for hours. Something my mother could never understand or tolerate. Or just do nothing as others can. I envy them. I look at the bathroom or kitchen and thoughts of washing and scrubbing come to the fore. I look at the washing closet and thoughts of eliminating that basket of laundry fills the mind. Which is why some would say, I am pai mia - literally difficult life.

This is the one vacation where I have been forced not to plan anything to do or places to go. I am paranoid about filling my vacation days to the brim with "useful" or "productive" activities. When can I learn to let go and just live for the moment? To focus on the people around me rather than on things to do and tasks to fill the time?

Last night, I lay on Nic's bed for a bit just to feel her next to me, to enjoy the quiet respite. We chatted a bit, we built the companionship and it was wonderful. We do that sometimes, but too rarely. She will be gone to college soon and I just know my heart will break one more time. She has always been the cutest but also the most withdrawn of my girls. The one who would play truant when she was supposed to be at ballet class and not tell you why when caught or questioned. Who at Primary 2 would not do homework for 3 whole terms crushing up the assignment papers into a big ball in her schoolbag, who would almost every year till she was 15 sleep for half an hour dead to the teacher and her classmates while lessons were going on, who would stare with those big guileless eyes at her piano teacher and not breathe a word thereby driving Mrs Fong beserk and furious enough to threaten a stop to all lessons multiple times... Nic is just ... different. Yet she, more than the others, has a huge hidden reservoir of resolve and guts, and will stand up and be counted if it comes to that. She has talents but would not use them, until the moment is right. Witness the momentous climb from near bottom to having the best "O" level results of all my girls, even better than the much vaunted cousin who will remain un-named. I just know when the occasion calls for it, my Nic will rise to any challenge. She just needs to be comfortable with herself and to believe in herself. When she finds herself, she will be awesome.